Feb 187 min read

Unveiling Toxic Resilience: A Closer Look at Military Spouses

Updated: Oct 4

Resilience, often associated with military spouses, is a ‘trait’ credited to our adaptability when navigating the challenges of frequent relocations, separations, and uncertainties. It may be perceived that we manage well, possibly attributing our resilience to inherent strength or the accumulation of experience and coping mechanisms from facing numerous challenges.

Amidst these assumptions, expectations, and demands, as well as the biases and false stereotypes we encounter as a collective group, lies a phenomenon known as toxic resilience. In this blog post, I will delve into the unique struggles experienced by military spouses, redefine what resilience truly entails for us, and explore how we can cultivate a healthier and more sustainable approach to resilience.

What is resilience?

Resilience is not a trait; rather, it comprises of learned mindsets and coping behaviours that we can all develop. Resilience is difficult to describe, even psychologists find it challenging to define it succinctly. My favoured description comes from Neenan & Palmer (2022), who describe it as: 'Marshalling your resources (e.g., psychological, spiritual, social) to cope adaptively with tough times, however long they last, and emerge from them sometimes a stronger, wiser, and more capable person.'

Using Neenan & Palmer’s definition, we understand that when faced with adversity, we must adapt our thinking and behaviour to cope, while retaining self-compassion, as these adjustments may not come quickly or easily.

It's crucial to note the inclusion of 'sometimes' in Neenan & Palmer's definition. This serves as a reminder that although we may adapt and cope, it doesn’t guarantee that we will always emerge stronger, wiser, and more capable from adversity.

Building resilience requires us to experience adversity or challenges; it's through these experiences that we develop new ways of thinking, behaving, and coping.

What is toxic resilience?

Toxic resilience is a common myth which dictates we must always endure in the face of adversity. That we are expected to bounce back despite the challenges, impacts, or stress we endure. Aditi Nerurkar (2024) describes toxic resilience as when resilience is warped to “include unhealthy behaviours like pushing past boundaries, productivity at all costs, and a mind-over-matter mindset.”, having the impact of depleting us both physically and mentally. This distorted notion of resilience permeates our culture, it is sometimes manipulated to serve the agendas of individuals or organisations.

True resilience lies in our ability to tap into internal resources, adopt helpful thoughts, and seek support that aids in coping. Toxic resilience, however, stems from external pressures or unhelpful mindsets, including:

When we are told to endure adversity simply because it’s expected of us.
When there’s an implicit expectation to possess a high tolerance of discomfort.
When a ‘mind-over-matter mindset’ is glorified.
When we are categorised as either resilient or not resilient, overlooking the complexities of resiliency.
When past demonstrations of resilience lead to an assumption that we must always confront challenges effortlessly.
When seeking help is viewed as a sign of weakness, fostering shame rather than support.

Toxic Resilience and Military Spouses

From the perspective of a military spouse

What does adversity and challenge look like for military spouses?

While there are commonalities among the events that impact military spouses, it cannot be emphasised enough that each military spouse is a wonderfully unique individual, with their own qualities, ambitions, desires, and hopes. A military spouse will experience these events differently, facing a range of consequences and encountering various compromises that may be unique to their circumstances.

Many military spouses find ways to adapt to their unique situations, including adjusting to new locations, separations, and uncertainties. However, they may also experience challenges such as isolation, reduced familial support, and increased risk of mental health concerns (see additional literature at the end of this article). Additionally, they are more likely to encounter unemployment or underemployment, leading to reduced income opportunities. Moreover, they often shoulder increased household and parenting responsibilities, while simultaneously providing emotional, psychological, and practical support to their partners during times when the demands of military service impede their partner’s ability to contribute to practical aspects of life. All the while, military spouses strive to maintain their own identity through their careers or educational pursuits and personal ambitions and goals (See additional literature at the end of this article).

What does our culture tell us about resilience in military spouses?

Civilians often expect the military spouse to keep calm and carry on, to muddle through because ‘you knew what you were getting yourself into’. There's a prevailing notion that military spouses must be inherently resilient because they've already weathered adversity, loss, separation, isolation, and disappointment. They're told they shouldn’t feel frustrated by the disadvantages and barriers they face, as they supposedly understood the stakes when they fell in love with their military partners.
Within military culture, the expectation is to handle things independently and refrain from complaining. Military spouses are encouraged to prioritise the needs of the serving person and their career above all else in the household. They are expected to harness their innate resilience and somehow supercharge it, avoiding becoming a burden to their partner or their partner's career. Government and military organizations primarily focus on the needs of the serving person and veterans (which certainly require attention), however, with little interest regarding the enduring impacts on the spouse.

Resilience is undoubtedly essential to cultivate a happy and thriving life alongside the military. However, when resilience turns toxic, it can manifest in various ways:

Unrealistic Expectations:

Military spouses often face pressure to meet unrealistic expectations imposed by society, their families, and even themselves. The belief that they should effortlessly handle every challenge can lead to significant stress and self-doubt.

Neglecting Personal Needs:

Uncertainty can often lead to changeable routines, combined with the constant placement of their partner’s career above their own needs can sometimes lead to neglecting their own self-care. Reduced focus on their own needs and adapting to challenge and uncertainty can leave little time or energy for prioritising their own wellbeing.

Dismissal of Their Difficulties:

Military spouses can find that when they express their concerns, stressors, compromises, or reduced wellbeing, their feelings are ignored or dismissed. Responses such as "well, you knew what you were getting yourself into" or "others are managing with this" are not only disrespectful but also leave the military spouse feeling isolated, rejected, and ignored.

Building healthy resilience as a military spouse

From the perspective of a Wellness and Resilience Coach and military spouse

A military spouse faces two options: either embrace the toxic resilience model and the unrealistic expectations placed upon them, or adapt their approach to resilience to yield a more positive experience for themselves.

Here are seven steps a military spouse could take to build resilience:

1. Redefine Resilience:

Recognise that resilience is not about handling everything perfectly or without support. It's about acknowledging and accepting the challenges while actively seeking support, practicing self-care, and proactively adapting to the challenge, in a way that meets their individual needs and resources. Remember to have self-compassion when building your resources when facing new challenges.

2. Practice Self-Care:

Prioritise self-care as an essential part of your resilience journey. Make time for activities that bring joy, relaxation, and personal growth. This will help replenish energy, enhance overall well-being, and reduce stress.

3. Set Realistic Expectations, Set Boundaries, and Advocate for Yourself:

Challenge the notion of perfection and prioritise what truly matters. Learn to say no and let go of the need to meet everyone's expectations, and the toxic resilience being placed on you. Remember that it's okay to ask for help, however, avoid following other people’s rhetoric about what is the correct way to manage or cope. Your combination of life experience, military life experience, challenges, adversity, triumphs, stress, family support, friendship support, mental health challenges, achievements, values, and your life ambitions are unique to you, no one else could possibly understand why in this instance you’re struggling to find all the resources you require to manage with this adversity.

4. Seek Connections:

Find connections within the military spouse community or wider community. Building a support network provides a sense of understanding and validation. It is up to you, to me, to this community to find our own channels of support. Together, we can foster empathy and community, supporting each other through the challenges of military life.

5. Communicate With Your Partner:

Openly communicate your needs, concerns, and challenges with your military partner. Healthy communication ensures that both partners are aware of each other's emotional and mental well-being, making it easier to navigate difficulties together.

6. Celebrate the Wins:

Savour the experiences and the positives that military life offers. Embrace the unique aspects of military life and find beauty in each situation. Remember that military life is changeable, and so any periods that require your resiliency will also not last long.

7. Seek Support:

Embrace the opportunities on offer to military spouses. Do your research and find out who the communities, organisations, and people are that understand the challenge and uncertainty military spouses experience, without you having to justify them. This support will not come to you, you must seek it out. Military spouses have found their voice; charities and organisations for military spouses run by military spouses, focused on individual needs ambitions and desires, are growing.

At times military spouses do exhibit remarkable resilience, but it's essential to recognise when this has become toxic and to learn how to cultivate a healthier approach. By taking the above steps, every military spouse in our community can build resilience to nurture their overall wellbeing and focus their energy on building a wonderful life despite the many challenges and uncertainties we may experience.

Remember, true resilience is about recognising your needs, finding the right people and resources, and taking appropriate actions as you encounter new challenges. This approach allows you to maintain a sense of agency, wellbeing, and even growth from the experience.

Vote Here

Have you ever experienced toxic resilience?

Yes (I am not a military spouse/partner)
Yes (I am a military spouse/partner)
No (I am not a military spouse/partner)
No (I am a military spouse/partner)

How Coaching Could Support You

As a Wellness and Resilience Coach and a military spouse I understand the impacts of living alongside military life. Coaching provides the space you may require to place your needs first, to discover and develop strategies to put your personal and professional goals in the centre of your life, and to experience improvements in your emotional and physical wellness. Find out more about coaching with me here.

How To Start Making This Change

Choose one of the seven steps above. Decide on one specific goal that will help you build your resilience. Identify a manageable action that will bring you closer to that outcome. Take action today.

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